My two therapists had to play good cop, bad cop with me….

I thought it was just me                    Brain over Binge            The Gift of my Compulsions

This disordered eating therapy along with nutritional counseling (hell I know how to eat correctly, I just can ‘t seem to….) is a pain in the ass.   I do like both my therapists but having two working together and collaborating about my sessions is daunting.  After one of my sessions my disordered eating therapist guided me to the conclusion that I am trying to “fix” everything at once and that I shut down when I can not do what needs to be done perfectly.   I guess I’ve thrown an adult tantrum with my nutrition counselor the last time I met with her- as I can not seem to follow through successfully with any of my homework assignments.  I have a food plan I am suppose to follow- like I don’t know what to eat since my weight-loss surgery or my lifetime status as a member of Weight Watchers <sarcasm>…   I just CAN’T seem to do it at all.  I am also suppose to be using this app to track what I am eating and record my “feelings & thoughts” as I move along the day.  Ummm, this is all consuming, so much to do! So I went with what my disordered eating therapist said, “stop trying to do everything at once.”   I decided to drop my nutritional counselor for now.  I am having a very hard time with my talk therapy, saying many things out loud I have never ever said and wrapping my head around my thoughts, without having a vice.  Oh, how a nice chilled bottle of Sonoma Cutrer would help me muddle through all this “stuff” but alas I can not drown my sorrows anymore in booze, so I need the next best thing.  I can’t possibly expect myself to be able to follow a stinking food plan minus the wine.  I am very new at sobriety, how can I expect so much from myself (whimper, whimper). I need my deserts!

Not only did I “break up” with my nutrition counselor but I did it in an email.  There was no way she was going to have an opportunity to talk me out of it, no way.  I did copy in my other therapist so she could see I was really just listening to her advice- I can’t do it all now so don’t.  So I heard her say.

Going into my next session with my disordered eating counselor, I was not ready for the bad cop action from the therapist I pegged as the “good” one.  Man oh man, she laid into me with her questioning my thought process and challenging my fear of gaining more weight yet not paying any attention to it at all, and calling me out on emailing my nutrition counselor in lieu of calling and asking to talk it out.  Sigh…..   not what I was expecting. I have been Cop-out Blocked.

Dang it, these women are good.  I totally talked to my nutrition counselor, tail between my legs and asked if she’d have me back.  So back to facing what I am really struggling with even if I can’t do it by following the guidelines. I have to keep myself aware and hopefully at least maintain my weight and stop gaining.  I HATE IT!  I hate that I can’t do this, I can’t seem to listen to the rules of my nutrition counselor- I fail every week.  I go in and say that I made poor food choices.  I do my blind weigh in and I know it is a weight gain because my clothes are getting so tight.   I get to pay someone to gain weight, excellent.  Honestly I feel like focusing on this so much has made my relationship with food worse, I have become a master of sabotage.  So many triggers.

Why is this so difficult?  It is difficult because I am working on ridding myself of the dieter’s mentality.  And I can’t seem to do this because I need to lose about 45 pounds.  I need to lose weight so I can only think of dieting.  I am suppose to be focusing on nourishing my body and listening to it and  ignore the voices in my head telling me to eat the pudding with whipped cream, eat the dove chocolates, order the waffles butter and syrup, have the salted caramel ice cream in a chocolate covered waffle cone.  I am suppose to turn that off and focus on how my body feels during the day as it connects to hunger and food.   I am not sure I can do this without returning to 250 pounds.  I am driving this struggle bus right through the pastry counter.

I have read three self help books thus far.  All of them recommendations of my disordered eating therapist.  We have worked hard on my issues with guilt and shame.  I work from shame so often, it is kind of pathetic.  I know I should not own it all, all this shame is not for me to keep.  I have learned that the binge-like behavior comes from the part of my brain that shouldn’t be talking to me, but I allow it.  I have to train my brain to function differently (that sounds easy, NOT!) and I am now reading that my compulsions are a “gift.”   Really a gift?!?!?!!?  But I will read it, we will dissect it together.  I do believe that my eating is more of a compulsion and not so much a binge.  I don’t fit the profile of a binge eater per se, but I am completely compulsive. I think I function mainly on compulsion.  This is going to be fun to unravel and straighten out.  Sigh, I truly just want to turn back the hands of time and have a little do over but that is because doing all of this work is hard and wishing I could go back to make better decisions is an immature dream thought for me to have.  There is still a little girl in me that stomps her feet, and who wants to blame all of this on others or on incidents or on genes.  Being accountable all the time for some many things is exhausting.

Good cop, bad cop got me.  They are not taking my candy-assed bullshit, they are holding me to the fire.   I hate it, but I know it is the best for me.  I am done with fooling my therapists, faking them out and telling them stuff that is easy to hear as I have done with so many therapists throughout my years.  These women are not going to allow that.  They have totally called me out!

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