I do not feel a higher power, I have never felt one. I do not believe in God, though I am afraid because I don’t. I also would feel ridiculous if I did because what a scam! I sound so cynical yet I am not, I am open and empathetic and mindful of any judgement I might feel. But it is one of the reasons I do not connect or feel welcome in AA. AA says you don’t have to believe in “God” per say but you need to have a higher power. And that is what I have not found. I really don’t have spirituality.
I believe in accountability and personal responsibility, and I feel surrendering to a higher power would relieve me from consequences I should feel. This is why I have struggled with shame and guilt, because I don’t give myself an out. I am, however, learning how to forgive myself. I don’t make excuses for my choices, I do try to understand where they come from and learn from what I know to be true. I can not relinquish how my poor choices have caused others harm, but I do believe in the power of forgiveness. I believe with each better choice you make, you do make amends. Amending is key, to me it shows your sorrow and willingness to make change. Apologies are nice but actions do speak louder then words. I have apologized many times to my husband and my kids, but I truly did not feel their belief in me until I made changes and showed them that I can be better and that I want to be. This is all action, no words are necessary.
In the book, I do love, “Fit from Within,” Victoria Moran gets right to the spirituality piece in Chapter 3. I can not run or hide from this notion of spirituality. Everyone in recovery swears by it. Substance Abusers in recovery and now the eating disordered in recovery. I can not get away from it. I am not a lost cause, I do mostly feel connected to the wisdom of Buddhists. As I do believe whole-heartily in humanity. I think there are really good people and really bad people. I believe really bad people get most of the air time (sensationalism) but I believe that there are more good people out there then there is evilness. So I do plan to become educated in this thought belief. I am reading Refuge Recovery now, and learning about the Eightfold Path and Four Noble Truths. If I am going to learn how to manage my compulsions I have to have something bigger then myself to rely on. This will be another part of my journey.
Ms. Moran says, “including a spiritual component is simply knowing when you’re up against something that is too much for you and your best intentions to handle on your own (personal responsibility),” and “it’s realizing where you’re weak (accountability) and depending on something strong whether you think of God in heaven, or a power that, although beyond your human ego, resides within yourself.” I am up against something that is too much for me and I am weak in the throes of a compulsion. This is my accountability and finding a spiritual component is my personal responsibility. I will continue awakening my spiritual learning. Namaste.