I love my therapist, I do but she leaves me so confused at times. About 2 or 3 sessions ago she told me that we really needed to slow things down, this is the same session when I told her I was feeling so stuck and paralyzed. This feels conundrum like to me as so much of my therapy does. I have not written in some time because I have felt so stuck, in fact I feel like I have taken many steps back into some pretty dark places from years past, places I thought I would never venture again. I want to blame the winter, it sure has not been helpful but seasonal affect can’t all be to blame. Digging into myself has been very sad and left me vulnerable, irritable and uncomfortable. And besides my therapist, I really don’t want to talk to anyone else about it. It is just too much to explain, and I don’t even have words to explain some of it. I feel like enough is enough, let me just move on.
Everything seems to be moving backwards, the depression, my disordered eating, myself loathing and overall unhappiness. Shame and guilt have swooned over me once again. I am hoping with more sunshine and fresh air that some of this gray stillness will pass and I will fill my lungs with rejuvenating attitude and motivation. I know I am not doing a very good job acting or covering up my mood or disorders- I am pretty much just wearing myself out there. And that is boring and people don’t want to be around that.
I have been working mostly on shame and guilt in therapy, since battling alcoholism and now trying to concur my eating disorder I can now add failure to that mix. I have such a great sense of failure because I have gained so much of the weight I lost (and kept off for 3 years) back during my recovery from alcoholism. In May it will be two years since I entered my first intensive out patient program and when I started to gain weight back because I started to use food again. Right back to my disordered eating I went. I should have never had the weight loss surgery until I recovered from my eating disorder (oh yeah, and not drinking anymore may have helped). Though I never acknowledged I had one. Even so the feeling of failure lurks and I haven’t been able to shake it.
This winter has been rough and I allowed it to consume me, I let it take hold of me. I have a couch bed for God’s sake. My daughter calls our love seat in my living room my couch bed. So pathetic. I make deals with myself so I can lie on my couch bed guilt free. I am laying on it right now as I write this. I have days that I did not go into work because I am immobilized by my depression this season. I think, “hell I have 57 sick days, I am not going in and I don’t” and then I stay in bed only to roll onto my couch bed. It has been an evil winter. Have I said that yet? It has been pretty evil! Depression is real people, and it can be so debilitating!
I think slowing down is my therapist’s way of saying that I am so desperate to change so many things NOW but I have to start looking at one thing at a time; like, read one self help book at a time, and setting one goal at a time and choosing one intention a month. Maybe she means I have overwhelmed myself with trying to fix a little bit of everything at once, that I have paralyzed myself. I am staying sober, learning about my eating disorder, thinking about leaving my job, working on my marriage, doing new things at work, trying to be kind to myself, my body, my mind and doing it all at once has been very difficult (never mind being a wife, mom, sister, daughter and counselor). And this all makes me feel like a weak person, I think, as no one else is whining in a blog. Yet here I am.
Yet, even in my gray cloud I am hopeful that Spring will help me. I have plans to move my body. I made one intention for April and that is to move. I will be telling Jim, today, that I want to make our dining room (why do we have one? I entertain at Thanksgiving and that is it) a place for my treadmill and yoga. There is so much light and it is UPSTAIRS and not hidden in the basement (plus the basement is now a storage area). I can open the windows and breath in the fresh air. It can be an easy yet large change. Even with the snowy day today, I am hopeful. I am hoping this is my last dark blog and I am hopeful that in May I will blog with some happy mental health reports!