I’ve been quiet like a mouse.

I always have these great intentions to blog and post, regularly. I think I am going to get so much out of it, and then I don’t.  Or I get bored of myself or I get stuck on Netflix or I just can’t commit.  Or all of it.

I think so much of it comes from not feeling so great about how tiny my baby steps are in my recovery and that I don’t seem to have any grandiose revelations to share.  I feel boring- maybe I am bored too. Who knows. But here I am, with not much to say.

Yes my movements forward have been with the teeniest of tiniest of baby steps- albeit all movements forward.  Still sober since September 22, 2016 and no binge eating since in forever (nutrition therapist has date for that, I do not).  I have been deemed emotionally ready to handle the process of weight loss again (yippee-aye-yea) <sarcasm>.  That is actually not a baby step but a giant leap forward, but am I ready? I am like in the contemplation stage of addiction with this one.  I want to, but I am terrified.  I am so terrified. It is such a fucking emotional, off the rails ,coaster ride for me- but I am also unhappy and I feel unhealthy about my weight  Who loses 90 pounds, post surgery and then puts 63 back on? I guess someone sobering up does.   I have worked hard at forgiving myself for that and I am 98% there.  There is that 2% that is just so sad about it.  And 2% keeps me afraid of failure, again.

Since June I had to deal with the loss of a wonderful therapist- who finally invested in me (proving to me life beyond Josh, my substance abuse counselor whom I am forever indebted to but had to graduate from) because she needed to move on in her personal life.  This sucks, finding a new therapist after working so bloody hard for a full year with someone.  It is starting all over again and it does set you back emotionally.  I took some time off from my nutritional therapist, and learned I missed her (even though I hate what she is to me- my accountability person).  It was good space though, I needed to learn to appreciate her. I did find a new therapist and it is going okay, it will be good, I can feel it. She assigned me home work right away- and I hate that so that is a sign that I will work hard. Want me to work hard, assign me stuff, give me a dead line, and I will feel challenged and do it.  She got that from me right away.  Spot on.

So this summer I had only tiny movements because of change.  But I stayed sober, I didn’t gain any weight- maintained the gain.  Not gaining is a good thing.  I would have loved to have lost some weight but learning how to cope with out binge eating has been far more important and the maintenance is proof positive. I can move forward whenever I am ready.

I did however keep myself productive with out overwhelming me- and only doing what I wanted to do.  I did no people pleasing….  I didn’t.  It was glorious and cathartic! I made sure I had some fun, I spent time with my husband and  I took on a project that Jim and I have been putting off for a few years (selling our home, downsizing and all the work that comes with that).  So while I have no wild fanfare of “LOOK AT ME NOW” to reveal to others I have made healthy, emotionally thought out, and stress balanced strides in my world- for me.   Teeny, tiny baby steps are really okay and actually feel so much better then trying to do everything all at once and over night! Breathing is fantastic, napping is fantastic, sitting and talking with your adult children is fantastic- not everything has to be so “wow that is amazing”- amazing comes with a set of stress I can not always handle so well.  Some times even keel is the awesomeness I need.

That is it in a nutshell.  If you’re curious, you may not be- but if you got this far in my blog you must… right? If you’re curious this is where I am at. I spent my summer learning how to maintain an even keel, how to say no to people, stay aware of my needs emotionally and what is really important for me/my family and that there is no shame in a daily afternoon nap, a siesta on my porch or reading all day if I choose to do so.  Doing nothing at times works for me.  I did me some nothing this summer, along with some other stuff.  I learned to balance.  Pretty cool.

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